when you are not "YOU"

Funny title but one that rings true in alot of our lives.
When do we cease to really be ourselves?

Is it when the expectations made on us by circumstances and situations cause us to live outside our comfort zone - how do we even know "WHO we are"?

How can we tell what we really represent - what we really desire?
When is the you who you are currently not the real you?

Why do we wear so many faces? What are we really here for?
What do we really want in our quest to live life to the fullest?

In this regard I will introduce you to an note sent to me by a colleague (for the fear of legal action: I AM NOT the author of the attached piece and make no such claim) - the words of wisdom spoken in true context - to be taken in the dose required.

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.
It is the most-requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

I hope this means something to you - particularly as we live through this journey we call life.

and then there was silence....

for so long... these pages have stood as a testament to my wandering thoughts.
They mark the ramblings that pursue me or that make an entry into my thoughts like a familiar stranger.

I am occasionally lost as i wonder on what to write about. My past? My present? The future?
All questions that await an answer.
I miss the ability to quickly throw my words down and watch their impact.

The joy of expression is with the attendant reactions but after penning so many words a few thoughts have been formed as some sort of conclusion - temporary at this stage...

people connect mostly to stories that resound with their lives, emotions or memories.
We are shaped by what we read and our thoughts on those words. We are a sum total of our experiences as these provide the blue print that most of our decisions are based on...

what would happen to me and you without words? Would we wilt and die or simply find that one of the many facets that define us has been terminated.

What would the ensuring silence mean? Would i be less of me?

Each word; spoken or written is a nugget of power a means to entrench your ideas in someone's mind.

A means to propagate your visions and ideals - thus silence would be seen as "death"

Friday the 13th - In my own words

Nothing...

Just the silence and certainty that life is as is...
No sudden terror attacks, no slashers looming around the corner.

Just a typical day with an uncertain end - we're none the wiser to its final outcome.
However, today is NOT Friday the 13th...

I face the obvious challenges that a new day brings. One is often left to wonder what the outcome is and how it will end eventually.

We are all creatures of habit - then there are those habits that mark us up as individuals and yet we're more than the sum total of our habits - we are infinitely more.

Humanity's major problem is memory...
Funny the way that came out but that's the fact or summary - we fail to draw upon the lessons in life except they have consistently wounded us, then and only then do we learn our lessons.

The same set of circumstances occur that cause war or strife or discord and consistently we have failed to draw the morals and parallels from these events.

Instead we match blindly into the same set of situations and finally yield to the same fate but on a much larger scale...

I'm just rambling as usual...

My laws or rules are very simple and I would love to share them:

1. Define the common denominator - that which affects the most or bring the most gain to the most number of people.
2. Determine how to aid others achieve their dreams and objectives without sacrificing your morals and ethics.
3. Play the silent counselor in the background.
4. Compromise is the name of the game - what matters is the final outcome not the present situation
5. Align yourself with like minded people and multiply the effects of your actions
6. Be determined and focused

Just a few rules to lead one down the path of greatness...

I would rather be quietly acknowledged than to be loudly ignored...

In my words...

MAN's collective purpose and the great scheme of things

Once again the silence is shattered.
The need is to once more come clean - to confess of the exploits of my mind.

There was a time when this would have been a laughable offense, these days - it is not so funny.
In fact there was a time when in my naivety -  I assumed the world to be a simple place with simple rules, which only needed to be followed for all to be alright.

Oh the misery of time and the lessons learned.
Now I only too well understand - there are no absolutes.
There are only choices and the effects that the said choice or choices has - that is all.

It was indeed a sober time for me - to step back and see how my innocence and naivety where gradually eroded over time.

the bible refers to it as: breaking the hedge.

I have since broken mine in several places and all manner of cretins are now pouring in - I am a little afraid of the eventual outcome and the complacency of my morals.

The edict of man is a complex treaty - it requires more than anything else an understanding of our natures and the diversity that defines us.

It calls on us to give more of ourselves in the understanding of each other and hence that which animates us to achieve exploits of significance.

How much we can achieve depends on our abilities, motivations and support pillars (people, belief or temperament) and yet this are not the end of the list.

I have seen that humanity is no different from ever other system or colony made of diverse parts - each with a specified function and task - each assigned a role.

If the parameters of communication are well defined - you yield a system that works like clockwork and is as efficient as possible. If however the means of communication break down or mis-communication or misunderstanding occur then you start to witness the effects of system breakdown or parts of the system doing what they're not supposed to do.

We are a lovely species but infact we're no different than any colony of living beings - ants, beehives, lion pride, wolf pack - all follow laid down rules of behavior and conduct.

To break such rules is to single out yourself as a maverick and non-team player.

The irony however is that it usually requires one to challenge the system before great changes can be made or great advances. This normally creates moments of great tension but the rewards can often be well worth it.

The bottom line is to be part of a system that yields a result - the sum of its parts are normally greater than the collective taken together.

And that is all we require to move ahead.

Phantastic Phanny...

I guess I should win the gold cross for my titles - don't ask me where I get them from.

I've been away from these pages for awhile and have come to appreciate the solemn moments that my time away has given me - solemn moments spent working at my 9 -5 job (realistically my day starts at about 5:00 am every day and terminates at 11:00 pm) trying to earn the money that pays for the shirt on my back.

Apart from this endeavor the meaning of my life at any rate is defined by trying to earn "a living" - to move up in a world full of foolish ideals. I see in my mind's eye: the collective group of humanity as nothing more than rats running round a maze designed by a crazy scientist - who delights in tricking, prodding, testing our limits and endurance just because he can...

We by no means make it any easier for ourselves. We agree to this by not saying a collective no to this slave like mentality to process. By not stepping back from the situation, by not learning from our mistakes.

I have gotten to a point where it appears my current life is concerned with NOTHING ELSE apart from my current job - my family, my personal endeavors, my talents - all have been cast aside to face the expectation of moving forward with my life (paying bills and earning a living)

I don't even want to focus on what part of my life is suffering or for how long this must go on...

It isn't even only about me...

It involves everyone around me who does the daily grind to such an extent that their very lives now revolves around the nucleus of "work"

More work, much more work and then some more...

I guess that's what is responsible for the varied forms of distractions that we find ourselves drawn to - perhaps as a means to mourn our lost lives or purpose or our "FU*K You! response.

Karaoke bars, clubs, strip clubs, wine and women - these are just a few distractions that has man by his short and curlies.

Patently pathetic...
Can we save ourselves?
It would be better if we could pick our poisons and then do that which is our choice - the regrets would be minimal and they would be as a result of our choices alone and not options imposed on us by society's expectations.

What a life...

Give me the playboy mansion for a week - I don't think I would score with any of the bunnies but it would be a welcome distraction from this drudgery that life has become.

Close your eyes briefly and let your mind wander...

Think of those hidden fantasies that are begging for fulfillment (make them the safe sort though) and imagine that this could be granted to you - right now...

Think of your deepest heart's desires and needs and imagine that you could have them now - right this very minute.

Now open your eyes and look around...

Obviously reality is over rated right?

Awash in a sea of doubt...

In my mind - I am drifting...

The swirling mist of confusion clouds my mind - I am willing to clear these doubts but the conditions of life persist and refuse to be courted...

Dreams are often the key to goals and aspirations - however they are like the unattainable - simply out of reach but temptingly close...

April and the butt of jokes - April fools day...
It was a chance to pull a couple of fast ones and unwind.

It was the first day in the month and the beginning of the second quarter - as far as personal benchmarks go we're on track...

However there is still so much to do - it will require some commitment and a belief in the impossible.

Take that flying leap!

Feelings towards...

It would make a great deal of sense if the world was a simple place - with simple rules and regulations to guide us through life...

Alas - life is not simple...
Therein lies the folly - my folly and the rest of the human race. I start to wonder on the justification of feelings - mine for the most part, continue to confound me on every level. I am the recipient of emotions that continue to shatter my cool poise and relative calm.

In the bracing wind of indifference the one thing that shakes my cool and humor mongering approach to life is women... On one level, I seem distant but with me great battles are fought to control my thoughts, desires - carnal and molten.

I watch them strutting about - all professional, all poise and in some cases glamour...
there are those that obviously merit - a first look, some merit a second and a few others merit - a third, fourth and eternal stare but that is expected...

I love their complexity - it is at once their blessing and curse.
The battle of understanding between the sexes remains one of those ever elusive holy grails of humanity - it continues to dodge us to this day...

However, i continue to be stunned at the way I react to them inspite of my mixed feelings - likely indication, I am more confused than them...

I dislike their affectations and attitudes, especially when at the end of the day they will eventually surrender control - some are really very nice others are bitchy and spiteful...

Their emotions are utterly complex and behaviors continue to astound my logical comprehension.

But some years down the line - you get married and settle down and both of you try to make adjustments around each other....

They remind me of dress up dolls - after peeling away the layers - what is left is actually bereft of complexity (still this doesn't over simplify them)...

If I told my girlfriend to wear something sexy - it immediately becomes a potential issue of contention - why should she wear it... Don't I like her choice of clothes? Is she a doll? etc...

Complexity - that's life